Tuesday, November 29, 2011

Boyfriends' Third Degree

Low cost life insurance. Great for home defense & other social situations.
Hey. Sometimes an ax handle just won't do.

                                                Boyfriends' Third Degree


                                                                      Jay Agan

      Entrepreneur, military man, cold warrior, professional, movie buff. Insurance adjuster by profession (Shooting instructor/range officer on the weekend.) he set me straight on an urban legend. He was also a family man.

      Most fathers of girls have gone through the "man to man" with any new boyfriends the kids' brought home to meet the folks. Some have done the third degree in the living room or kitchen. Others (As he has.) conducted it in the basement/garage workshop.

      His was a little different. During the "procedure" he would show off only one of his "power tools".

      The Rossi "coach gun" (Of the type known as the "Lupera" or "Wolf Killer".) is an intimidating thing. Side by side 20" double barrel 12 guage with external hammers. While talking "with" the young suiter, he'd take it out & clean it ..... wether it needed it or not. With the heady scent of Hoppes #9 permeating the air, the conversation was paced by the in & out of the cleaning rod & would go something like this:

      "So ..... (swish, swish) ..... What's your name ..... (swish, swish)?

      "-------- -------"

      "Where'd you meet my daughter ..... (swish, swish) .....?

      "------- ------- ------- ...... (sweat, sweat)."

      "Where ..... (swish, swish) ..... are you taking her tonight ..... (swish, swish) .....?

      "------ ----- ----- (shiver, whine) ..... "

      "Who ..... (swish, swish) ..... are your parents ..... ?

      "----- ----- ----- ----- (shake, quake) ....."

      "What ..... (swish, swish) ..... do they do for a living .....?"

      "----- ----- ----- ----- ----- (snivel, whimper) -----"

      "You ..... (swish, swish) ..... working?"

      And so it went until .....

      "Have her ..... (Looking through the barrels.) ..... home by eleven."

      As they'd leave, he'd tell his little girl, "be good or be careful."

      Meaning, YOU'D BETTER BE GOOD!

      I understand some Italian fathers have a variation that goes something likes this:

      "I donna know wotta is a' you doin', but Iva  pretty good a' idea. Youse cuts it out! Capiche?"

      "Oh daddy!"

      The latest this fellows' daughter ever got home was 10:45.

      "Why are you driving so fast!? You almost ran a light!"

      "If I don't get you home in time, your dad's gonna SHOOT me!"

Article copyright © 11-29-2011 Jay Agan

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  1. Any man who does not do a variation of this to his daughter's suitors (sharpening an axe on a grinding wheel, honing his KA-BAR) should turn in his Daddy credentials.

  2. Most mothers of boys...

    ...uh, I don't think they do anything!

  3. Aardvark. What if her new boyfriend is into anime?

    Mushyrulez. Are you kidding? Mom would watch me like a hawk!

  4. It goes double. I know what's in them funny-looking cartoons...(pauses to spit Skoal-juice)...

    Now if he wuz into a nice Amurrican cartoon like Stripperella....

    Do you have a clue how hard that was to write? I SUFFER for my art!

  5. A Stan Lee fan, eh? You should SUFFER! (Just kidding.) Never could get into Marvel. His heroes had way too many emotional problems. I think Shinji Ikari writes for him.

  6. Liked the Marvel universe Usual Suspects (Spidey, FF, X-Men), but cannot abide Stan-the-Man's more recent attempts, like the "reality" superhero shows. Never saw "Stripperella". I am SO weary of the crass and crude.

    Shinji? Anata baka!!!!