Friday, September 23, 2016

The Porntrolling of Haruhi Suzumiya: Chapter Four of a The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Fan Fiction Story

Artwork: Haruhisky, Re-colorisation: Alfonso Ling.

The Porn Trolling of Haruhi Suzumiya: Chapter Four of a The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Fan Fiction Story


C V Ford


Chapter 4: The Fan Gets Hit By the Plan

A further month later, at a metro library branch, Carl accessed the bogus SixSick6 account.

Though things were improving even further in regards to anime and the public, other events were proving it was time to end it all.

A story in the papers and a spot on Fox News a few hours before, had him apprehensive and scrambling to cover any and all possible tracks to him.

It was revealed the FBI, at the behest of the State and Justice departments, had been looking into the possibility of conducting an ongoing investigation into the storys' posting and the resultant diplomatic chaos. Anything disrupting the relations between the U.S. and Japan was deemed possible espionage.

Remarkably enough, Otaku Fiction dot net still resisting in the name of free speech and the First Amendment and holding things up in the courts.

He decided not to blow this off. Recollections of a Yoo Tube poster being wrongfully blamed for the Benghazi debacle by the Hildebeast and jailed for almost a year (1), prompted him to take action.

At a library branch one county and several towns over, Carl parked some blocks away and walked a roundabout route.

He knew there was no way he could be traced. After all, he didn't post the story in his "rogue" Otaku Fiction dot net account from home and always made sure to access it in another town, usually another county. All they could narrow it down to was a very large part of central Ohio.

Getting on Otaku Fiction dot net, he noted the blurb at the top of the news section of the sites' main page:

"Due to demand, Otaku Fiction dot net now accepts stories of a more explicit MA rated content. In order to ensure only mature readers can access said content, an extra password and username is now required for sections containing such content. Please consult instructions in the Rules and Guidelines section to set up/select special password to accompany username."

He noted the aIRtight story to be missing from the old M rated section but still a sole entry on his SixSick6 account thus in the new MA section.

On top of all the other things he hadn't foreseen, this was really offputting. All he wanted was to troll a joke, have some fun and mess with some minds. But inadvertently promoting porn?

"Have I created a monster?"

Sighing to himself, Carl proceeded. It was time to end what little he could and make as clean a break of it as possible.

Going to the Publish section of the account he proceeded to Document Manager.

Accessing the doc he hit the Remove button killing that. Then going to Manage Stories he hit Delete Story.

"And so it ends-," sighed Carl ... being cut off in mid-sigh.

The Private Messaging field had a numeral 1.

"Wait a sec! How could-"

Quickly checking his settings, he noted ALL of them still set on "no", including
"Accept Private Messaging".

Going back, the numeral still there.

Hesitantly he clicked on the field then going to Inbox. The sole entry. A Haruhi in red bunny suit avatar and ... HS.

Clicking on it revealed:

"You don't think you're getting off THAT easy, do you?" HS


For all Carl knew at that moment HS stood for Holy S--t!

He concluded that either the feds were trying to flush him out or possibly a hacker with some skills had managed to break through and leave that message.

As it was, he congratulated himself on the precautions he had taken and was confident it would get no further than this.

Closing out the account, Carl signed out as SixSick6 for the last time.

Goodbye aIRtight ... Foreverrrrr ... !


Getting home later that day found Carl settling in to a net surfing session.

Nothing like an easy, relaxing cruise of social media to take his mind off his concerns ... Yeah ... RIGHT!

He mentally reviewed his precautions. Different "pen name", separate account, accessed ONLY in locations away from home. The PM that reached him had to be some hacker or feddy getting through and on the bogus account only. There was no way-

In accessing his "legit" Otaku Fiction dot net account, he noted he had a numeral 1 in Personal Messaging.

"Probably that Ling jerk," he thought.

Bringing the section up more than brought him up short ... More like hitting a mental brick wall.

"Hi! Just to let ya' know. My friends and I are gonna' pay ya' a little visit. See ya' in a bit!" HS

With the same Haruhi red bunny suit avatar!

"No! ... NO WAY! ... Imp-"

Grabbing the phone, a nervously sweating Carl was about to 911 then hit the brakes and thumbed the receiver in thought.

"This is nuts! What do I tell the police? FCC maybe? That I'm being harassed ... By the feds ... a hacker ... or a ... a cartoon character!? I'd have to tell 'em the whole story, I'd ... It would get out ... I'd be telling the whole world I'm the one who's been inadvertently trolling U.S. and Japanese foreign relations for over a month. There's got to be a-"

Phone ringing in his hand, Carl jumped a foot off his chair.

Keeping his thumb down he decided to screen the call and let the answering machine do the talking.

"Heyyy ... C'mon big boy," in response to the prompt. "I know you're there. Surely you got the guts to pick up your own phone."

In the space of the instant he put the receiver to his ear he realized the voice sounded like that of ------ ---, the English voice actress of-!

"Uh ... Hello?"

"Hiya Carl! Guess who? ... As if you didn't know. We're just outside an' on our way up!"

"Who ... Who is this!?" Carl dreading the impossible about to happen.

"We'll be right up!"

"Wait you-"


Leaning over Carl pulled open a desk drawer and lifted out the 4" barrel, stainless steel Smith & Wesson model 65. (2) The .357 revolvers' weight felt reassuring. He had no illusions about taking on the FBI or any other government entity but a nut job (With phenomenal hacking skills at that!) imitating an anime character was another matter entirely.

His reassurance was short lived. The sound of his apartment buildings' main downstairs door opening in accompaniment with several female voices in fluent Japanese came up to him loud and clear.

Carl kept the panic down in spite of the fact of his recognition of the voices.

Though not usually one to watch shows in their original Japanese dubs (Old white guy who speaks English.) the Haruhi series was one of the few he did with both that and mother tongue.

"Can't be the feds ... the Japs wouldn't send seiyus to investigate something like this ... Kyoani? ... No! ...


Reaching again into the desk drawer, he drew out the revolvers' double speed loader pouch. Twelve extra shots of .357 topped with 158 grain semi-jacketed hollow point slugs could be a healthy addition to any social situation.

Responding to the knock on the door (And wishing there was more time to fetch the 12 gauge.), Carl softly sidled up to the door. Keeping to the side, he swept a hand over the peep lense. No shots or anyone trying to bust through, he cautiously gazed through the peep lense.

Only to see an eye staring right back.

Royally startled, he jumped back several feet.

After composing himself and dredging up some courage in a surprisingly half moment, Carl again chanced a second look through the lens.

It was as he disbelievingly feared. The five real life figures of the main female cast members of The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya stood waiting in the hall with objects in hand. North High uniforms and all!

Slowly backing away from the door and to the side, the man put himself in a "fighting" stance with the revolver in a two handed 'Ayoob' grip (3) half way up to sighting level.

"Hey Carl! It's us!" The familiar voice of ------ --- coming through. "C'mon little piggy, open up. I know you don't want us to do the ol' huff 'n puff routine, right?"

"Huff 'n puff, huh?" Muttering to himself. Nothing like anger to drum up courage, Carl tightened his grip on the revolver. "I'll show ya' huff 'n puff!"

Then making with his warning.

"Take off, you ... Or I'm callin' the police!"

"Oh," sing songy response, "I don't think sooooo ... I mean, you're one of our biggest fans!"

"Was," Carl thought as they called his bluff.

A slight weight shift of the revolver in Carls' hands had him do a quick glance at the gun. In shocked disbelief, he clicked the latch, swinging out the cylinder.


"You lookin' for these?" From behind, accompanied by the sound of rattling cartridges in hand.

In further shock, Carl spun about, his eyes being greeted with the sight of the five cast characters in various states of recline and rest on and about his living room furniture. Title character and three holding kendo bamboo practice swords and Mikuru ... a rope.

"NO WAY! You-"

"Waaaaayyyy ... Unlike my TV persona I know what I'm fully capable of." The ominous 'blue bird' set the lethal rounds clattering on the living room table next to the speed loader pouch.

The man made a grab for the door.

"There's no escape, we'll just be back on the other side of the door." Ryoko chiming in.

His hand hit empty wall in the try for a knob to a door that now wasn't there in his futile effort in making a swift exit.

"Or that," the blue haired one smiled.

"Besides," the tall green tressed giggler putting in, "we got business to uh ... discuss."

The ginger with the rope looked on wide eyed.

"Yes ... business," the deadpan gray haired stoic adding.

"A- ... And that would be?" Carl questioned, tightening his grip on the handgun. It would still make do for a small club.

"Y'know ... " Goddess Whack Job rose from the easy chair and began, now in full control, "I've seen a LOT of doujinshi, art and crackfic having to do with me and my friends over the past few years ... Some good ... some not so good ... and yeah ...some really great. Then ..."

Haruhi held the practice sword down and across her thighs, leaning forward with upraised right eyebrow.

"Then there are some that ... well ... Really push the limits to what even we have trouble taking in."

"Like some of the ones by that one guy," Tsuraya put in. "Uh ... What's his name?"

"Alfonso Ling." Yuki

"Yeah," acknowledged Haruhi, "THAT guy!

"But that one story you did ... ," the brigade leader continued. "It really crossed the line. Shoot! ... It flew right over it at mach ten!

"I mean ... REALLY ... Poor Mikuru-chan's beside herself being depicted like that! That bit about her doing all that-"

"Actually Miss Suzumiya, I liked the part where I-"



"It's all she could do to keep from crying the past several weeks!"

Carl stole a quick glance at the petite, well endowed one in the barcalounger returning a confused shrug and embarrassed smile his way. He could see "Poor Mikuru-chan" was all cried out ... NOT!

"You know, it's bad enough when a show gets cancelled. With most live actors, they're out of work until a new gig comes along sooner or later and things are OK again. But with us anime characters ... One usually ends up in the toilet of HENTAI HELL!"

"Say WHAT!?"

"You heard me Carl ... Most anime/manga is one or two seasons and then we're out on our posteriors wondering what to do with ourselves. If your show is well remembered and your character design is 'interesting' in some way ... and you have no place to go ... You end up having to make a living doing something ... else."


"Yeah! Look what happened to the Sailor Moon girls!" Ryoko exclaimed in interruption.

"I was getting to that," the brigade leader continued. "It's been ... what? ... Yeah! ... over twenty years ... TWENTY FREAKIN' YEARS ... since their show left the air. It long went past the point where their show was forgotten and it ended up with everyone thinking that porn was all they ever did. Thanks to a real gig like Crystal they're taking some time off from porn for awhile."

"Wait a sec," Carl in disbelief. "You mean to say you have to resort to porn just to keep going?"

"Not all of us. Some of us are so generic looking the expedient of changing hair colors and styles or just our personas and other parts come along. Others end hooking up or marrying their agents, artists or character designers.

"Some," Haruhi did a sideways glance over at Mikuru, "even wind up marrying a rich otaku."

"Hold on a moment," Carls' mind still trying to take in and adjust to this 'Roger Rabbit' moment. (4) "There's plenty of art and manga porn of you and your show out there-"

"And fanfic." Yukis' eyes narrowing oh so slightly.

"- and you weren't uh- ... involved ... in any of it?"

"Like I said ... Some of us 'toons, as you call us, only need to restyle their hair and personalities and they can be anyone. A LOT of characters looking for work y'know." Explained Suzumiya. "Though admittedly, I have done ... SOME modeling for that Haruhisky guy but it was only some ecchi/cheese cakey stuff mind you." (5)

A glance about, noting the eye rolling on the other four faces told Carl she may have been involved in other (A LOT of!) "independent" projects.

"It's a good thing Yuki, Ryoko and I can bend reality somewhat or we all would have been under the pen 'n ink of all those doujin sickos-"

"And fanfic writers." Yuki

"-So none," the brigade dictator  declared, "and I mean ... NONE ... of us ever had to do anything X-rated."

A stifled cough/giggle from a smirking Tsuraya had the man doing another quick scan revealing a blushing Mikuru, a half grinning Ryoko gazing at the ceiling, and a knowing look on Yukis' face (It's ALWAYS the quiet ones!).

"Just because they didn't have to doesn't mean they didn't," thought Carl. "THIS Haruhi may know her capabilities but she's still just as clueless and oblivious about other things."

The man nervously eyed the kendo sticks then back at Haruhi, interrupting her spiel.

"So you uh ... gonna' ... kill me?" Trying to keep up a front of bravado.

The SOS fuhrer returned an evil smile chilling Carls' blood.

"Kill you? Oh nooooo! Why we- ... Eh ... Put the Rambo blade away Ryoko."

"Awwww!" The deadly ingenue frowned pocketing the knife.

Carls' eyes widened.

"No ... Not kill you. You did, after all, give anime a worldwide boost in general and our show in particular what with it getting continued and all. We actually owe you one."

Carl let out half a relieved breath.

"Which is why we're only going to chastise you for your story." Blood chilling grin more intense.

The man abruptly retrieved the breath.

"Chastise ... as in?" The man again noted the rope coil in the nervous gingers' hands.

"Herbs and spices." Yuki

Carl aghast. He knew Miss Deadpan wasn't talking KFC. (6)

"And it works the same way with pain AS well as pleasure!" A gleeful Tsuraya exclaimed resting a chin on her bestest buds' shoulder. "Right Mikuru?"

"Uh ... eh ... Heh!" More evident embarrassment from the carrot top.

"You'll also note how long the handles are on these kendo sticks," added Haruhi, her teeth showing.

"Y'know Haruhi," Ryoko suggesting getting the be-ribboned ones' attention. "We might later wanna' try the treated rope out on the guy who thought it up."

"Hey! Not a bad idea Ryoko! He pretty much deserves it."

The malevolent 'toon goddess turned back to Carl, her grin wider. "Only unlike you ... He'll be screaming for more ... Like a little girl! (7)

"And with that!"

Shouldering the kendo stick, the demi-dietys' swiftly extended arm ending with index, shot out toward Carl.



Storyline (only) copyright © 9-15-2016 C V Ford


1. The poor guy has been ruined and as of this writing is living in a homeless shelter.

2. Calling all "grammar nazis": Before any of you fly off the handle about me using an ampersand in Smith & Wesson, keep in mind that's how you "spell" Smith & Wesson.

Don't believe me? Look up the logo on Google Images.

3. A modification of the standard two handed grip but with the supporting hands' index finger snugged under the trigger guard. Resulting in a steadier/stable grip. Pioneered by author/writer Massad Ayoob. It works!

4. Who Framed Roger Rabbit (Buena Vista Pictures Distribution Corp., 1988) - A combination live action/animated fantasy wherein a 1940s era private detective (Bob Hoskins) investigates a murder at the behest of the title character in order to prove his innocence. A hilarious movie featuring many American cartoon characters from different studios.

5. Haruhisky is an actual hentai artist. The psuedonym pretty much says what his (Her? It?) main subject is.


7. Yeah ... That Alfonso Ling guy again. As for the treated "rope trick", check out his story, Figure Eight on Fan

Geez! I can't believe I'm boosting porn!


The original Haruhisky artwork.

The Porntrolling of Haruhi Suzumiya chapters: 1, 2, and 3.

Go to C V Fords' Anime Fan Fiction Page! here.

Go to C V Fords' profile page and anime fan fiction stories list on Fan Fiction dot net here.

Go to Alfonso Lings' profile page and anime fan fiction stories list on Fan Fiction dot net here. Warning: HE DOES PORN!

And his Haruhi obsession has me wondering about him. Glad I'm not like that. :)

Go to Fan Fiction dot net here.

Go to Jays' Tee Vee blog main page here.

Disclaimer: The preceding is a NON-PROFIT work of fan fiction for entertainment purposes only. I make no claim to ownership of the copyrighted names/characters, places, and events mentioned in this work. They are the sole properties of  their respective owners. Please, by all means support the owners of such properties in the purchase and enjoyment of their works.


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