The Zombie Apocalypse That Never Was

Nawww! It warn't nuthin' like that ... Clockwise: Saeko Busujima , Rei Miyamoto,
Alice Maresato, Shizuka Marikawa & Saya Takagi from High School of the Dead.

The Zombie Apocalypse That Never Was

by

C V Ford


The problem with young 'uns today is they're taught to be hopelessly nostalgic for a '60s that never was & a zombie apocalypse that will never be.

Now me, I've been through both & I'm here ta tell ya it ain't like they said. Take the so-called zombie outbreak some years back. What they, yer teachers 'n college perfessers along with Hollywood are tellin' ya is just outright bullkrap.

First, the numbers are inflated. There wasn't a hippie ... er ... zombie on every corner. The massive hoards in the big cities they talk about were actually rioters, looters 'n criminals takin' advantage of the panic. They 'n some of their victims made up most of the bodies tossed on the bonfires.

It started out as a few creepin' out from morgues, hospitals, accident sites, or from just droppin' dead from old age, aneurisms, heart attacks 'n whatnot. It then expanded to whoever they could git their hands on 'n sink their teeth into. Still wasn't that many.

The graveyards rarely gave up their dead. Most graves contain dust 'n bone & the ones with any meat on 'em are too dried out to be viable. As for the ones that could move, most of 'em weren't going anywhere. Burial vaults bein' quite sturdy 'n all.

The zombies themselves were no big deal. Some were fast, some were slow, but they were all dumbern' a a sack 'a hammers, clumsy as all git out 'n were easily killed off with a .22 to the head. Wasn't too hard to spot 'em either. Stumbled all over the landscape lookin' like they crawled out from under the sub basement of an outhouse. Sorta kinda fitting 'cause they smelled like it too. Shoot, you could find 'em in the dark! Y' know ... come to think of it, a lotta homeless people came up missin' later. Guess folks got a little carried away.

There wasn't any 'a that stupid posturing 'n theatrics either. Anyone struttin' around with a ball bat, machete or a crossbow takin' 'em on at close quarters got what he deserved. That Walkin' Dead garbage is just that. Man, if I was gonna watch some 'a that undead stuff on the tube, itd' be some Jap toon like High School o' the Dead n' whatnot. Man, the T n' A in that 'un is wayyyyy out there. Downright sinful iffn' ya ask me ... Saw it three times already.

No ... Poppin' em in the head at a distance was the order du jure of the day. They were easy enough to kill if you were intelligent. One fella in one 'a the big cities boarded up his house, put his stereo speakers on the roof 'n cranked 'er up. Had a 500 brick 'a .22 & plunked away all day. Unfortunately a buncha' kids thought a concert was goin' on 'n ... well ... They came out just as good as the zombies.

No ... It was no big deal ... The only real trouble I had was when Missy Dora Schlockendreck ... She's the nosey, feminoid hyena from down the street. Prides herself on bein' a liberal or whatever it is they call commie dipwads these days. Voted for that jerk in the white house more n' twice if you know what I mean.

Well she gets into her non-mind that somehow my bestest bud Cal's a zombie. Even starts pullin' a gun on 'im! Came as a surprise to me. Was always (An' still is!) goin' 'round tryin' to make it so nobody owns guns 'n there she was ... Whippin' one out 'n makin' like Wyatt Earp! She quieted down some after I shoved a .38 in her face 'n explained that Cal wasn't 'n never has been a zombie. He always looks like that!

As it turned out, the zombie outbreak lasted 'bout a couple weeks 'n things pretty much quieted down after that. Economy picked up. Lotsa recently vacated job positions needed fillin', so unemployment took a dive. Also fewer politicians around to mess with the economy 'n fewer welfare sucks for 'em to appeal to. Like I said before ... folks got a little carried away. Things couldn't help but improve.

Alright! here comes Cal with the burgers an ... What th' ... Aw come on Cal! You KNOW I like mine medium. I don't understand ... Lately you been likin' your meat drippin' red. What's up with that anyhow?

　
Story copyright © 3-27-13 C V Ford


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