Hey! Rapture Bunnies! ... IT'S ... OVER!

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Hey! Rapture Bunnies! ... IT'S ... OVER!


That's right, you good "Christians". I got news for ya! And you're not gonna' believe what it is.

Brace yourselves:

The RAPTURE has already taken place. It's already happened.

That's right! You "heard" me. It's all done and gone. You don't have to look forward to it anymore.

As described in explicit detail in Rev. 3:23-34, the Lord has come and gone with all the GENUINE believers, leaving the rest of us to face the LaHaye/Lindsey (They're still here too!) envisioned apocalypse.

Flood, fire, famine, plagues, sores, THE MARK(!), nuclear war, chaos, alien invasion, flesh eating zombies, Obama getting a third term ... Yeah ... The whole apocalyptic schmear. And ... YOU ... are going to face it!

Yessssss ... YOU!

You see, the RAPTURE took place last week. No one noticed 'cause there were so few actual GENUINE believers out there to begin with. Just a few more missing persons reports was all it amounted to.

Too bad for you too. Now that you're Left Behind ©, you're gonna' have to "put your money where your mouth is" or rather your superficial faith where your martyrdom will be. Doubt you'll hold out long.

Shoot, you'll be the first to take the mark 'n be done (for) with it.

As for me, I just might help the baddies round you up. Never could stand you smug, arrogant rapture bunnies looking down your noses at the heathen to the accompaniment of your self satisfied psalm singing.  I'll get my fun though you won't.

And don't give me that crap that it couldn't have happened because YOU'RE still here.

One thing's for sure.

For you, the Tribulation is about to take place.

Why?

Because I'M here!

MUA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Just sayin' ...

Igor ... Throw the switch!


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Disclaimer: The above "theological" rant is meant as a joke and not to be taken seriously except by the sanctimonious. And you know what they say about those who can't take a joke ...

But then ... I say the same about those who can ...

Rapture Bunnies 'r Fun!

Bunnies, lemmings, woodchucks, whatever. C'mon people! Think!

                                                Rapture Bunnies 'r Fun!

                                                                by

                                                                    Jay Agan

      Now many of you may think since May 21 has come & gone, the Harold Camping fiasco is all over with. Not quite. If you recall, his original prediction was for the rapture to happen on that date followed by five months of literal hell on earth with total annihilation October 21st.

      Before having a stroke in June, he revised it saying both the rapture & total destruction would take place on 10-21-11. Really now. How silly can you get? Good question & I have an "answer".

      I was for some time wrapped up in the fundy doomsday mentality. Salvation stopped being central & a preoccupation with THE END (Roll the credits!) took over. While an interest in Biblical prophecy can be fascinating, it can lead to obsession if one is not careful. If you leave your ability of critical thinking behind, taking your focus off Christs' payment in your place, you can end up fearful & off balance.

      There's a little game rapture believers like to play. It's the "What Info Will I Leave Behind For Those LEFT BEHIND © So They Can Endure The Tribulation Game."

       I've seen it played more than once (A great place for all sorts of end times hijinks is the Raptureready web site. Take a look. They're a hoot!). This is where you make up a list of materials/info, gather 'em up, cache it & leave an envelope "addressed" to your unsaved loved ones labeled : "To be opened in the event of my disappearance/rapture." In it are instructions of where the info is at, how to read it, get saved, & resist the "anti-Christ". I even participated once while in divinity school (A failed experience. Not being a "people person" I was not cut out to be a minister. I've little patience with weaklings blaming Satan for all their troubles.)

      There we were in class. Everyone coming up with all sorts of titles, papers, tapes on how to endure the coming tribulation. All bright eyed, beaming on how they were going to see that their kith & kin were to be secure after they were gone. Yes sir, no one was going to accuse them of  not helping out.

      As the class discussed this, I couldn't help noticing the absolute DEARTH of anything of  practical physical survival value. You know, food supplies, gear, skills, etc. While spiritual fortification is of utmost importance, there is no sense in being starving & defensless.

      As they went full bore speculating on how their friends & relatives would weather the coming hell on earth, I committed what, to them could be charitably referred to as "the mother of all faux pas".

      "What you have for them infowise is all well & good but ..... ," looking about the room, "..... don't you think they might find a .38 & a box of ammo to be useful too?"

      Not meaning to take the Lords' name in vain but ..... OH ..... MY ..... GOD!

      You would have thought I commited some UNSPEAKABLE blaspemey! Oh the howling! ..... the wailing! ..... THE GNASHING OF TEETH! How dare I even suggest the possibility of the use of violence to survive! Didn't I know of the futility of resistance in the face of ultimate evil? Wasn't relying on your ability & resources an expression of a lack of faith in God? Needless to say there were also a lot of ad homonym "remarks" toward me & what a negative type I was.

      So heavenly minded & no earthly good.

      For my amusement, I actually read the Left Behind series of books. The attraction for me was, as I intially leafed through the pages, I noticed the protagonists would put up a fight of some kind. Even shooting back! This was quite a departure from end times stories in the past wherein the "good guys" would wait passively to get joyously martyred. This bunch would throw down when they had to. I liked that. There wasn't much else to like. Tim LaHayes' ramblings through misread scripture, angels doing all but co-piloting planes, badly done dystopian sci-fi ..... topped off with a very disappointing depiction of Jesus as a "mechanistic" entity spouting King James-like prose. Made me want to root for Carpathia!

      As an aside, it was during my studies at this school the Carter/Ford presidential election took place. The students seemingly voted en-masse for Carter. I took a lot of crap from them over my choice, Lester Maddox (I used to vote third party up til Bush/Dukakis.). They thought it was quite funny & pathetic & boy, did they ever let me know it! I told them they would regret their vote later. They laughed & said Carter was "one of us". Over a year later, they finally figured Carter was "one of those". In the words of Herb Philbrick: "A born again turkey is still a turkey."

Article copyright © 9-29-2011 Jay Agan

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