My Fellow American: A Lucky Star/Lucky Channel Fanfiction

Not what's in the following fanfic but I thought it appropriate.
Translation on the Kanji & Hirugana anyone?

My Fellow American: A Lucky Star/Lucky Channel Fanfiction

by

C V Ford


"Luckeeeeeeeee Channel! ... Hiya Luckeeeeeees! ... Glad you could drop by to see me. I'm Akira Kogami ... "

"And I'm Minoru Shiraishi!"

"And lucky you all are today. For the first time EVER, we have a special guest."

"And special she is. A most interesting character on the Lucky Star program."

"And that would be?"

"Why Akira-san, she's none other than Patricia Martin ... And here she is!"

"Hello everyone ... I'm very pleased to meet all of you."

"So tell us about her Minoru."

"As our viewers all know by now, Patti-san ... I can call you Patty can't I?"

"Oh go right ahead."

"Thank you. As you all know-"

<"Don't get too familiar with the guest Shiraishi.">

"Patti-san is an American exchange student living/studying here in Japan immersing herself in the many aspects of our culture."

"Anime/manga is culture?"

"Oh yes Akira-san! I've been a devoted student of anime/manga. These are artforms totally unique to Japan. Nothing anywhere near like them anywhere else. I've learned so much of Japanese culture from them which has helped me in SO MANY ways."

"Is that so?"

"Yes Patti-san. Tell us how much it has enriched your life."

<"Still getting too familiar Shiraishi!">

"Well ... It has certainly helped build my language skills-"

<"Which explains why you sound so slangey & weird at times">

"-thus helping me in new discoveries."

"So ... And what uh ... discoveries would they be?"

"Yes! Tell us about anything new you may have learned!"

<"Still trying to chalk up brownies, aren't you?">

"Well, my most recent find concerns you Minoru."

<"Too informal! She's actually calling him by his given name!">

"Uh ... Me! ... I ..."

"Oh yes! ... It's about something you mentioned in our pre-program interview a few days ago that got me to thinking, so I decided to check up on it the moment I got back to my apartment that evening."

"And what would that be?"

<"Yeah ... Just what would THAT be? Shiraishi's about as fascinating as uncooked ramen ...">

"Remember when you told me that you were born in Los Angeles?"

<"Huh? ... He never mentioned anything like THAT to ME!>

"Uh ... Yeah. My parents were there a couple years for the company my dad works for ... Mom was going to be sent back here to have me but I was premature."

<"That explains a LOT. I thought it was because you were dropped too often as a baby.">

"I went & looked up some things & ... Well ... You're an American!"

"I'm ... What!?"

<"Woah! ... Something just got interesting!">

"Yes. A fellow American!"

"Now wait Patti-san ... How can that be ... I-"

"According to Ammendment 14 of the United States Constitution, ANYONE born there & uh ... 'subject to the jurisdiction thereof' ... Is a U.S. citizen."

"Now Patti ... I would hardly think that would apply to me. Considering I'm here & not there. I'm not ... What did you say? ... Oh yeah! ... I'm not 'subject to the jurisdiction thereof.' That's how you put it, right?"

"But you were when you were born there ... I mean ... Your parents were there on business, right?"

"Mmm ... yeah."

"And they weren't diplomatic people or other Japanese government staff, right?"

"Uh ... No ... They weren't ... but ..."

"Hold on a sec Martin-san! You mean to say Shiraishi here is a ... a ..."

"An American Citizen? Yes!"

"A ... gaijin!? ..."

"Now hold on just a minute Akira!"

"Ha! ... Snicker! ... Snort!"

"With all the rights & privileges that go with it! ... Oh! ... And here ... I have this for you."

"Ummm ... Just what is it? My English & Romanji are a bit rusty. I wouldn't know where to ..."

"Look at the top."

"What the- ... Those are my parents names, I can make that out & ... That's my name! ... What is this!?"

"A copy of a certificate of live birth from the county of Los Angeles."

"So that proves he's a ... Gasp! ... Chortle! ... Derp! ..."

"The next morning I phoned a friend in L. A. whose dad works there in city government. He got in touch with someone in public records. She then faxed this to me."

"No! ... This isn't happening ... I ..."

"This certifies that a Minoru Shiraishi was born to a ------------- & ---------- Shiraishi on --/--/-- at Ceders Sinai Hospital, city of Los Angeles, Los Angeles County, U.S.A.."

"Then he really IS a ... Bwa ha! ... Gi! ... Hee hee! ... "

"This ... This isn't ...!"

"Just think! ... When you come to my ... OUR ... country ... All you have to do is show them this. Immigration would pass you right through. You wouldn't need to go through the citizenship process ... You wouldn't-"

"This isn't right! It can't be true ... it ..."

"Oh man! I'm really lovin' this! Unbelievable! Bwa ha ha ha haaaa!"

"-You wouldn't even need a green card to work! You're already a-"

"Gaijin! Yee! Hee! Hee! Hee! Heeee!"

"But! ... But ... Sputter! ... Gheeeeh!"

"Oh God! ... Ha! Ha! Ha! Haa! Haaaaaa! Patti-san! ... This ... This is too much! ... Gehip! ... Harg! ... You ... You two're killin' me! H' hyuk!"

"But Akira-san ... It's true! Isn't this great Minoru?"

"No ... It's not!"

"By the way ... A notarized/certified copy of this is on its' way ... Care of this station."

"Nooooooooooooo!"

"And that's ... Grp! ... Smirk! ... about it for this episode ... snicker ... gasp! ... REMEMBER! ... Gasp! Wheeez! ... You heard it all here first on Luckeeeee Channel! ... Bye ni!

Title board slips/drops into place.

"Bwa! Ha! Ha! Haa! Haaaaaaa!"

"Now come on Akira! ... Both of you! ... I ... I was registered here in the Home Islands!"

"That means you have dual citizenship. Wow! You have the best of both worlds! You ..."

"But ... Har! ... Har! ... Gack! ... He's the worst at ... Heep! ... EVERYTHING!"

"I am not, darn it! ... And I'm just as Japanese as you are!"

"Hey! ... Whatever you say ... Gaijin! Bwa! Ha! Ha! Ha! Ha! Haa! Haaaaaaaa!"

"A ... ki ... raaaaah!"

Bzzzzzzzzzzt! Boop! Dark screen.


Storyline (only) copyright © 2-5-2013 Jay Agan


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Disclaimer: The preceding is a NON-PROFIT work of fan fiction for entertainment purposes only. I make no claim to ownership of the copyrighted names/characters, places, & events mentioned in this work. They are the sole properties of their respective owners. Please, by all means support the owners of such properties in the purchase & enjoyment of their products.

Darn ..... That ..... Bill!

One of the entrees typical of Bono Pizza.
Photo: Columbus Crave/Columbus Alive

                                 
Disclaimer: Parts of the following article are not meant to be condemnatory rants or whines. It's  all for entertainment purposes only.

                                              Darn ..... That ..... Bill!

      I attended Revoluticon for the almost express purpose of seeing Weatherly Hardy (Proprietor of Aardvark Tees.) at his booth in the dealers room. The con itself didn't hold much for me, it not being an anime only event. A lot was TV oriented & most of what was movie related I thought kind of dull. Harry Potter, Lord of the Rings, "Star Trek vs Star Wars"? Meh .....

      Getting to the dealers room, I find Mr. Hardy & his son Noel at the Aardvark Tees tables tucked away in one of the large rooms' corners. There we conversed almost two hours about politics (We're both more or less "small L" libertarians.), & media related topics. As five o'clock was nearing, I had to embark for the Godzilla seminar on the 6th floor.

      The seminar was on the original 1954 Japanese language version of the aforementioned film. Somewhat disappointing, I knew more about it than the two panelists (I'm such a nerd!) . I will say they knew more about the other films in the franchise.

      Six o'clock rolls around & it's back to the now shut down dealers room. Weatherly & I pre-planned to go out for pizza. Some weeks before, he had a posting on his blog about the merits of Lenders bagels & other cuisine. I happened to mention the subject of wood fired pizza & where to get it in Columbus.

      Bono Pizza is a "hole in the wall" establishment in the back of The Corner Market (1717 Northwest Blvd. At the corner of Chambers & Northwest Blvd. in front of a Krogers grocery.) the proprietor being a one Bill Yerkes.

      Mr. Yerkes is, to say the least, an interesting sort. Sort of a cross between Strother Martin & Ed Wood Jr. A child of the 50s/60s, he's been all over the world "been there done that ..... twice." A real life Captain Tylor, he joined the Navy & managed to avoid basic training. Managed night clubs for the Navy & owned/operated restaurants literally from Palermo to Podunk.

      Columbus certainly looks different at night. After at least three wrong turns we managed to arrive at Bono Pizza. There we were greeted by Peggy, Bills' "long suffering" wife & sat ourselves down. It didn't take long for Bill to find us.

      "Hi Jay! I see you & your friends are in town for the hentai convention!"

      Kill me ..... Kill me now God ..... Make it quick ..... Painless if possible.

      Bill looks on my interest in anime as more a predilection than a hobby & insists on calling ALL anime hentai. He definitely knows the difference but he'll be dipped if he's going to verbally acknowledge that. He also likes to refer to my large old car as "the pedo-mobile" thus furthering my exasperation (I prefer my women real & of legal age, thank you.). Needless to say both Weatherly & Noel found much amusement in this & were quite audible about it.

      While waiting for our goodies, Bill regaled them with "sea stories" especially about trips between Pensacola & Mobile via Foley, Alabama.

      We, of course, enjoyed our pizzas (Mr. Hardy had nothing but praise & did a nice write-up in a posting on his blog.) & we finished it off with a Belgian waffle. At one point, Weatherly stepped out to make a call, his business covering two other cons (St. Louis & Atlanta.). I didn't think much of this until a couple days later.

      As we departed, I noticed Peg sitting in a chair on the restaraunts' patio watching us intently. Didn't know what to make of that until ..... I noticed a hastily scrawled sign hanging in the drivers side window of my car.

      "HEY KIDS! FREE CANDY! ASK INSIDE!"

      This ..... next to the sidewalk ..... for all the world to see.

      My bowels in a turmoil.

      "What the ..... Herp! ..... D' ..... gack!"

      Noel, who was about to get in the back seat, drivers' side, also saw it & busts up laughing.

      "I don't stinkin' believe this! Holy ..... Weatherly! Take a look at this!"

      He comes around the car & cracks up too. Ah yes ..... sympathy ..... Where is it? Oh yeah ..... in the dictionary ..... between s--t & suicide!

      Back on the patio Peg's clapping & laughing her head off. Bill ..... nowhere to be seen (He was in & out all the time, attending to some cooking pasta.).

      We pile into the car & Noel has to put his five cents worth in:

      "Hi Jay! I'm Chris Hanson. Have a seat!"

      Nothing ..... but ..... abuse.

     
      After a few more wrong turns we got a quick tour of my favorite part of Columbus on High St. The now closed down Zanes' Gun Rack (A story in & of itself.), the gym that used to be the Camelot/Drexel North Theater, The Soldiery (wargames), & The Laughing Ogre (Manga, comics.).

       I drop them off at the Ramada Plaza & do a quick look-see of the con only to find nothing of interest. It was off to the folks to celebrate St. Pats' the next day.

      Monday I get a call from Bill, who, to say the least, was quite pleased with his little joke. It turns out Weatherly had a hand in it. He suggested "free candy" instead of toys on the sign.

      Sigh ..... I've a host of friends. And with friends like these .....

The Aardvarks Plumbline blog here.

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Another For Otakus, Know Your Enemy: Japan

Know Your Enemy: Japan. Should go
over well at any anime convention. Not!

                               Another For Otakus, Know Your Enemy: Japan

                                                                 by

                                                                     Jay Agan

      Yes, anime fans. The kind of film to watch the day before attending a convention. Wartime anti-Japanese propaganda. So why should you see this one in particular? Because in spite of what it is I have found Know Your Enemy: Japan to be an excellent little quick & (very) dirty "rough guide" /summary of pre-1945 Japanese culture/history.

      Made by Frank Capra, though not part of his "Why We Fight" series of films, it follows the same style & format, with narrations by Walter Huston, & Dana Andrews. Released just after Hiroshima/Nagasaki, it was pulled from theaters at the end of August '45.

      You get a brief, detailed summary of geography, belief, history, & outlook of pre-45 Japan. There are some mistakes: Korea is not China. Actual Bushido is not the "death cult" the militarists twisted it into (And Americans accepted at "face" value.). If you can get around these & the fact it's wartime propaganda (Warning: This film is quite racist.) you may find Know Your Enemy: Japan to be informative. If you're getting your Japanese history/culture lessons through the "Patricia Martin school of thought", this film is definitely a cut or two above.

      The best copy I could come up with would be the one previously marketed by Digiview as a dollar disc. Any others out there seem to have a distracting defect or two. Again, this film is very much on the racist side. If you can get around the derogatory "jap" (small J) being used a lot (The onscreen intro is laughable in one place.) you may find a viewing interesting.

Article copyright © 10-5-2011 Jay Agan

YouTube link to Know Your Enemy: Japan here.

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