The Vegans' Dement
by
Jay Agan
I tried veganism ..... once.
Back in '81, at the behest of my Seventh Day Adventist landlady & after reading some Adventist propaganda (I usually read it for amusement.), I gave veganism a try. I left out all sources of animal protien. I don't think it was called veganism at the time. I thought I was doing vegetarianism (Which as it turns out, allows for dairy, eggs, etc.). While I must say I felt "better" up to a point, (Cuts, sores, etc. healed a lot faster.) the negatives really got to me.
I now understand why cattle, sheep & other herd animals are constantly eating. NOTHING SATISFIES! Nuts, seeds, sprouts, fruits, veggies, breads, cereals ..... the feeling of being filled up lasted only minutes. I was ..... grazing! Like a dang cow.
The meat substitutes from the Adventist store were no help at all. One can of chili gave me my first experience with food poisoning. Dang Loma Linda!
And the constant gas & runs ..... ugh!
It got to the point where I envied the two cats (Smokey & Velcro.) I had. I'd be dishing out their Little Friskies (Canned!) & the heady aroma would just ..... HIT ..... me. Those cats were eating better than I was! They'd engorge their carnivorous little selves then sleep it off. Their distended little bellies felt like they swallowed billiard balls.
It got worse.
Voices ..... & apparitions ..... of grotesque little creatures ..... calling to me ..... appearing ..... from out ot the wood work ..... saying .....
"Meat! ..... Meeeeeeeat! ..... MEEEEEEEAT!!
"It's what's for dinner!"
"Real ..... food ..... for ..... real ..... peeeeepul!
"CAT! ...... The other white meat!"
After about two & a half months of this self inflicted misery & a particularly heavy session on the can, I'm sitting exhausted in my apartment feeling emptier than ever. Guts churning away with some of the most gosh awful noise imaginable ..... That was it ..... couldn't take anymore.
Jumped in the car, hauled my sore posterier to Wendys'. TWO triple deckers, LARGE Coke, a Frosty, two LARGE fries (EXTRA GREASE!!) & back home. An epic battle with the cats ensued as I devoured the mess in nothing flat.
Never looked back since ..... BURRRRRP!
Cue Coplands' Hoedown.
Article copyright © 5-11-2012 Jay Agan
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