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| "Kyon m'man ... When you got it, YOU GOT IT!" |
In Japan, it's the guys getting the candy on Valentines day. Taniguchi gets a LOT more than Kyon or anyone else expected!
Pranking Taniguchi: A Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya Fan Fiction Story for Valentines Day
by
Tammy Sue
and
C V Ford
xxxxx
Tammy Sue is a co-worker who gave me the idea for this story. The credit is as much hers as mine if not more so.
xxxxx
Valentines' Day.
Sigh.
Yet, no doubt, to be just another day of disappointment. Not that I may have expected any candy in my shoe locker though it would have been nice. No, not with the not so latent jealousy of a one Ms. Haruhi Suzumiya hanging over my and everyone elses' heads. The almost rewrite of the universe some time ago would have me dreading finding some chocolate along with my school shoes.
And there was no way any would be coming from the ultra self centered Haruhi ... maybe.
So it was with some relief I found only my footwear occupying the space.
"All ... right!"
Looking over, I found a very enthused Taniguchi reaching into his locker and pulling out three (!?) boxes.
"Kyon m' man," said he turning to me, "It was as I thought."
Thought? Yeah, when it comes to women, Taniguchi's a legend in his own mind.
Or so I thought 'til now.
"Impressive," trying not to sound too surprised or envious. "Who're they from?"
"Funny ... ," looking over the boxes and examining the cards, "... nothing signed. Only a note on two of 'em saying I should enjoy."
He holding (Waving!) the three boxes, I noticed two were gaily wrapped in various shades of pink metallic and one being a rather plain looking anemic kind of the same color ... the one without a note.
"Some mysteries here," smiled Taniguchi. "Probably too shy to say and maybe they want me to figure them out.
"Well, Kyon ... ," in proud declaration, " ... When you got it ... YOU GOT IT! ... Know what 'uh mean?"
Usually at times like this with my over blown friend, I give myself a mental "Yeah ... Riiiight!" But corroborating evidence in the form of ... THREE boxes?
"I gotta' admit friend ... ," again trying not to sound too green with envy and failing, "you may have actually hit on it ... for once-"
"Kyon 'ol buddy ... I ALWAYS hit on it!"
My then "riiight!" to myself just then a bit subdued as we made our way to homeroom. I always knew even a blind hog gets a truffle or acorn or whatever every now and then but ... Damn!
THREE?
And Taniguchi at that! If ever a blind hog there was, it was he.
Either fallout from a minor cosmic dissonance somewhere in the universe or Haruhi must have had some kind of quirky non-dream last night. And Nagatos' slowly emerging personality wouldn't yet allow for such an advanced form of sense of humor ... could it?
The mystery deepened after arrival in home room. Taniguchis' crowing about his good fortune and his seemingly non-existent animal magnetism had everyone glancing now and then his way.
Three people in particular.
The two girls, Onoki, in the middle of the front row and Sakanaka in the back.
Both staring knives at him! Then there was ... Kunikida?
He had this wry, self satisfied grin on his face. Like he pulled something over on someone. That someone I was sure was the then boastful and oblivious Taniguchi.
Somewhat relieved at the possibility that some disturbance in the force might not be in play, I settled into my routine of homeroom and enduring the not so endearing attentions of Haruhi.
Math, history and science periods, with Haruhi to me and Taniguchi to everyone else audibly punctuating between, otherwise passed uneventfully.
Finishing lunch early, I took to wandering the halls to give me a respite between Goddess Whackjobs' non-musings about any and everything and the seemingly not so would-be Romeos' non-stop verbal "victory dance".
Going by the main entrance after almost an hours' wandering, I noticed Kunikida looking out the front, an anxious expression seeming to indicate indecision of some kind. Like he was debating wether or not to leave early.
"Oh ... Kyon! ... Gotta' minute?"
"Sure. I figured you might have something on your mind."
"How's that?"
"First, the day starts off weird with Taniguchis' incredible luck. Then I notice every ones' reaction to it in homeroom especially regarding Onoki and Sakanaka ... and," pointing to him, "... you.
"Gonna' tell me about it?"
"Mmnn ... yeah ... About that. Uh ... How could you tell?"
"It's pretty obvious Kunikida." I began. "Every ones' attention on Taniguchi especially you and the two girls. They didn't look too happy and ... YOU ... looking like a cat that ate two canaries and about to scarf down a pigeon. At least 'til now."
"Errrrr ..."
"So?"
"So ... what?"
"Go ahead."
"Ummm ... ," Kunikida started up, "y'know Taniguchis' always going on about how great he is with girls ... "
"And his letter grading system, keep going."
"Well ... It kinda' gets to ya' after awhile."
"Its been getting to us (ME!) ever since we started classes here."
"So I thought I'd set him up in a ... creative? ... sort of way."
"From the looks of it," me speculating, "you had some others in on it."
"Nnnmmm ... Yeah ... and no."
"How's that?"
"Multiplier effect."
!?
"Where you get others in on the joke without their realizing they're being manipulated too," he explained. "Usually other people you're not particularly fond of either."
"In this case, Sakanaka and Onoki," I completed. "Setting the wolves on each other so to speak."
"Yeah ... "
It wasn't that the two girls disliked Kunikida outright but "guilt by association" with Taniguchi had him as a "marked man" in their eyes and looked down on him accordingly. This of course not sitting well with him at all.
"So what exactly is the joke and how does this 'mystery chocolate' come into play?"
"Well I ... kind of let it slip to them that Taniguchis' diabetic."
"And of course, as we both know, he isn't.
"So let me guess," I went on. "He being the obnoxious romantic is supposed to get the 'hint' from secret non-admirers to 'go die', is that it?"
"MMMnnnn ... yeah."
"And the girls, seeing instead Taniguchi happy as a dozen clams and actually enjoying the candy are at first puzzled then dismayed over their bad wishes backfiring on them," me concluding, "and of course our friend being even louder and more full of himself than usual thus being more of an irritant than before."
"Exactly!"
"But there was a flaw in your plan ... A flaw that now has you wondering wether or not you should be leaving early."
"I'm in trouble Kyon ... I now have at least four girls ticked off at me and for all I know, Taniguchi looking for me too!"
"Four? I thought it was only Onoki and Sakanaka."
"I told several others about him being diabetic. As far as I know, Naruzaki and Saeki are the only other two who did home made candy. There could be others. They just didn't get theirs to his shoe locker yet. They were gonna' space it out over the day."
"The ole' Chinese water torture thing. Too bad you didn't think this thing all the way through. Did it ever occur to you the girls would get a little on the perturbed side with you?"
"I thought maybe they'd take it in good humor ... Guess not-"
"There he is!"
"You guessed right," me noting five (!) rather irate young ladies (And one not so hostile looking one. In fact she looked more 'concerned' if anything.) advancing on our position. "Looks like your decisions' been made for you."
"See ya' tomorrow Kyon," Kunikida making a hasty turn for the main doors, " ... maybe-"
"Kunikida! ... LITTLE BUDDY!" A malevolently smiling Taniguchi between the would-be prankster and escape.
In my efforts to shield Kunikida from immediate violence, they were upon us in seconds, both our backs to the lockers.
"C'mon Kyon ol' buddy," harangued Taniguchi. "Don't tell me you're in on this too!"
"Don't shield him!" Sakanaka in protest.
"Why you protecting him!?" Suzuki the newcomer also in vigorous protest.
"He's gotta' pay!" Saeki
"He's GONNA' pay!" Onoki
" ... " The quiet one ... holding what looked to be a gaily wrapped box.
"Hold it guys," I proceeded to explain. "I'm not in on it. Just found out myself. He was about to leave when-"
"And thanks for holding him up for us, Kyon," Taninguchi turned to Kunikida. "YOU ... Think you have some explaining to do but I'll forego that instead for some-"
"Yeah!" Girl gang of five in unison.
"Give 'im one or ten for me Taniguchi!" Saeki.
"Me too!" Onoki
"Me three!" Naruzaki
"Yeah!" Suzuki
"I'll give 'im myself!" Sakanaka. "And it'll be more than ten!"
" ... !" The quiet one.
Stepping in front of my former middle school chum, I went to his "defense" ... sort of.
"Before you start pounding on him-"
"Way overdue!" Unison chorus.
"-I think I have a more satisfying and interesting way of retribution."
"Kyooo-ooon!"
"Take it easy Kunikida. I'm trying to make their divine punishment less painful."
"How can-!"
"Okay ... ," I taking control, " ... You threw something in to 'sweeten the deal', right?"
"How do you mean, Kyon?"
Turning from Kunikida I faced Taniguchi.
"You still have the boxes of candy don't you?"
"Sure."
"Go get 'em."
The novice Lothario quickly fetched them from his shoe locker and set them on the floor where indicated.
Picking up the plain pink wrapped box (And, I noticed happily, still unopened.) I turned back to Kunikida.
"I take it this one's yours?"
"Uh ... yeah ... How'd you guess?"
"You're not exactly the worlds' greatest fashion designer ... or expert on gracious living for that matter."
"Gee!" Taniguchi with sarcastically peppered, eyebrow raised smile/frown. "Not only didn't I know you cared but I had no idea you swung that way."
"I ... don't ... ," the 'pure boy' looking down, red faced to the accompaniment of several now giggling girls.
"No Taniguchi," I explaining and raising the box of candy, "you don't do a thing for him but I'm sure there's something in here that would do something TO you."
"What!?" Taniguchi glared at his 'former' friend. "You trying to poison me?"
"Uh ... no ... I-"
"More like trying to leave a bad taste in your mouth," me interrupting.
Taniguchi glared at Kunikida. "What's in the candy ... soap?"
"Actually," the diminutive one stareing at the floor. "I got a heavy laxative from the pharmacy and baked it in."
"EEEEEWWWWW!" Even the quiet one joined in chorus.
"You ... little ... I oughta'."
"Wait friend," again stepping between. " It's only a joke after all."
"Only a joke! After all the embarrassment-"
"Yeah!" Onoki
"He had us all taken in!" Saeki
" ... " Quiet girl
Shouts and protests from the others.
"I mean," smiling and laughing, "if I had known about this, I'd have helped him out a bit and made it so none of you found out!"
The girls WHAT! chorus echoed off the hall walls, Taniguchis' frown deepened.
"Kyon ol' buddy," my friends' hand heavy on my shoulder. "With friends like you, I certainly DON'T need enemas."
"Speaking of which ... ," turning to Kunikida and shoving the candy box at him, " ... Help yourself."
"Wait ... Kyon! ... ," an aghast Kunikida, " ... You don't mean-"
"Hey!" I would-be moderator gesturing toward a ticked off 'friend' and a pack of irate (And one not so irate.) girls. "It's either that or a gang pummeling I won't be able to stop ... enjoy!"
"Eat! ... Eat! ... Eat! ... EAT! ... "
Enthusiastic chanting, stomping and clapping in progress, Kunikida could only proceed.
"E-erm! ... "
Turning I saw the quiet, spectacled (AND ponytailed!) girl hurriedly bowing to Taniguchi shoving her aforementioned candy box at him.
"P- ... Please ... ," pointing to the envelope taped to the box. "R-read this first!"
She quickly turned, half running.
" ... AND NOTHINGS' WRONG WITH THE CANDY!"
"Wait a sec' ... Yura!" Saeki called after her and pointing to Taniguchi. "You don't mean you're-"
"YES! ... I Am!" A really blushing young lady declared skittering off in the direction of North Highs' interior.
"She sits behind you in class, right?" I asked. "And all this time-"
"Uh ... Yeah ... ," a now subdued Taniguchi holding and thoughtfully examining the RED wrapped container. "She does."
Tucking the box under an arm, the now not so full of himself young man pulled the note out of the envelope and read.
"OOO! ... What's it say!?" Sakanaka
"Tell us!" Onoki
"I wanna' know!" Naruzaki
"I can't believe she'd-" Saeki
"It's just not-" Suzuki
Looking up, Taniguchi carefully slipped the paper back in the envelope. Slowly pocketing it, he scanned his now attentive audience.
"I ... Have to ... talk to her."
Then turning to Kunikida.
"You don't have to go through with that." Indicating the 'loaded' chocolates.
Kunikida already had two. Punishment enough I guess.
Taniguchi gave the assembly another scan then did a sincere, deep bow.
"Excuse me."
The group watched, the young man fast walking in the direction Yura had previously taken, disbelieving looks on all. It looks as if my friend has something to do on White Day. (1)
"Hmmph! ... , " Suzuki, fists on hips, grimace on face. "You just can't account for peoples' taste in men!"
"Well ... ," me hoping to end the peaceful conclusion Taniguchi started. "... you know what they say about blind hogs 'n truffles- "
The five girl chorus sang out:
"Yeah! ... RIIIIIIIGHT!"
xxxxx
"So," seating myself back in homeroom and turning, "enjoy the show?"
"I thought you handled that well ... considering."
Arms crossed, my personal piranha scanning me in her usual wry appraisal.
"I noticed you, Yuki, Tsuruya and Mikuru up on the second floor balcony."
"I was out on my usual lunchtime patrol with Yuki when I noticed the commotion below. Mikuru and Tsuruya-chan just happened along."
Uncrossing her arms, Haruhi rested her face on her left fist.
I followed her glance across the room to where Taniguchi and Yura quietly conversed.
"I can't imagine HIM ... getting together with ANYONE. This just isn't right!"
I was about to remind her that she was Taniguchis' girlfriend in middle school (For all of five minutes!) but thought the better of it. After all, she didn't know I knew that and ... well ... Best let things lie. ESPECIALLY with Haruhi.
"Oh!" She exclaimed, reaching in, withdrawing something from her desk.
"Here!"
I hefted the box knowing full well what was within.
"And don't get the wrong idea! Just didn't want you feeling left out is all. As supreme leader of the SOS Brigade, it's my sworn duty and responsibility to see my minions happy ... Just don't get too happy."
Looks I too have something to do come White Day. From the size, weight and wrapping this didn't look like obligatory/giri. (2)
I was about to thank her (Not too profusely!) when-
"Alright ... Todays Litt class is about to start." Teacher announcing, everyone standing to bow.
"Uh ... ," Kunikida looking rather pleading, holding his abdomen. "Nagumo-sensei ... I ... uh ... have to-"
"Go ahead." Nagumo-sensei being sympathetic.
The teacher then wondering about the chorus of giggles following after
Kunikidas' journey to the facilities.
END
Storyline (only) copyright © 2-2-2017 C V Ford
1. White day is March 14 wherein the guys receiving gifts/candy on Valentines reciprocate in kind.
2. Honmei chocolate is for one you have feelings for. Obligatory or courtesy chocolate is for friends, colleagues, co-workers, etc.
xxxxx
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