I Felt Like Such a Stooge

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                                                I Felt Like Such a Stooge

                                                                 by

                                                                    Jay Agan


     Autumn, 1989. Read in the Arts & Entertainment section of the Columbus Dispatch there was going to be a Three Stooges film fest at the Palace Theater. Eight episodes of low brow humor as only those three jerks could do. Had to see it & went.

     The Palace Theater isn't called THE PALACE THEATER for nothing. Located ground level of the Levesque Lincoln Tower in downtown Columbus, Ohio, it's ..... well ..... palatial. Very ornate & gaudy inside, a treat for the eyes. A baroque opulence you must be present to experience. A grand throwback to the time when going to the movies was an EVENT.

     A local celeb (Who I can't recall.) was there, but a real extra treat was a fellow who billed himself as "The Man Who Would Be Curly." Had the schtick down beautifully too.

     Can't remember most of the eps they flashed on the BIG screen (Those little screens at multiplexes just don't hack it.). Except for Disorder In the Court & Malice In the Palace, it was mostly a blur. Especially the last four. Here's why.

     After the fourth ep, intermission time. I decided to wander around the cavernous theater & take in the sights. I stumbled upon a fantastically ornate room & went in to admire the decor & furnishings. While there, I noticed a restroom at the far end. After a while, I decided to leave. As I left, two women went past me going in, looking at me quite strangely. Huh? Then it hit me.

     I quickly glanced up at the top & to the side of the ornate rooms' entrance.

                                                          WOMEN

     Dashing back to the auditorium, I whipped off my camoflauge field jacket, revealing my sweater. If the ladies were going to give a description, it wouldn't be about some mad voyeur in a bright red sweater.

I was really cursing myself: "Idiot! Pay attention jerkwad! I don't believe I ..... You dumb, stupid ..... This is something those three idiots would do! You moron! Stupid! Stupid! STUPID!!" A lot of other things too.

     I sat off to the right side of the theater slumped down, trying to look as much a part of the scenery as possible. My reasoning was they would be looking for someone leaving, & I was bound & determined to finish this viewing of the films. The rest of the presentation went off OK, me scanning the room every few minutes for wrathful ushers bent on rooting out "sick boy". Nothing happened.

     Leaving the theater, I didn't stop for souveniers or candy, putting on my field jacket when I was blocks away.

     Oooooooo! I was almost a victim o' soicumstance! Nyuk! Nyuk! Nyuk!

                                                Article copyright © 1-23-2011 Jay Agan

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Love Those Special Effects!

                                                 Love Those Special Effects!
            
                                                                     by
             
                                                                       Jay Agan

        Lived in the OSU (Ohio State U.) area back in the 90s. One would think it to be on the wild side but as I was a few blocks east, up against the State Fairgrounds, it was relatively quiet. Yeah, there was some "spillover". Every time the Buckeyes won/lost, a lot of "liberal arts" types would be burning up (Literally!) 12th Ave. a few blocks south.

        "Get away from the car. I don't care if the Bucks won/lost, dont' touch my car. You are not going to overturn/set fire to/dance on my car. Just 'cause the car is blue it does not mean it's from U. of Mich. (thumbs the hammer back). MOVE AWAY FROM THE CAR! NOW!"

        Yes, fun times at OSU. I made it a point to be out of town or "hunkered down" on game day.

        Wasn't just game days. Occasional gunshots would be heard. Screams/yells, firecrackers, & other "party" related noise added variety. Every so often a dumpster would "happen" to catch fire & the Dept. was called. Once I caught three guys trying to break into my car (Ah, kids these days.....). They took off when I hit the kitchen window. A subsequent call to the police revealed they couldn't send an officer to investigate as they were all at the OSU parking garage because a campus officer had been shot. One showed up a couple days later to take my statement.

        One "appropriate" little incident happened while watching George Romeros'  1969 "classic", Night of the Living Dead.

        Late October, 1990, (Halloween time!). Channel 8, a now defunct low power station atop the Levesque-Lincoln tower was broadcasting NOTLD. It was a great little station having all these older films I so much love. I was glad it was around in those (for me) pre-VCR days.

        As during any flick I'd get up every so often for snacks. At the part where Duane Jones rolls the flaming barcalounger off the porch, I get up for a Coke. Reaching in the fridge, I just happen to look out the window.

        Some idiot set a mattress on fire in the alley! Talk about atmosphere! The Dept. was called but as the fire spent itself, not much happened.

        I didn't mention anything to them about flesh eating zombies by the way.

                                                 Article copyright © Jay Agan

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