Thursday, June 27, 2013
The Urban Legend-ary Girl: A Lucky Star Fanfiction
The Urban Legend-ary Girl
A Lucky Star Fanfiction
C V Ford
"Did you ever wonder ... ," Konata started in.
"Yup!" Thought Kagami. "The 'unrelated lunchtime question' right on schedule."
"... if there was anything to urban legends? Like, you know ..."
"If they have any basis in fact?"
The diminutive one looked over at Miyuki.
"I've always felt," the tall one began, "if it's humanly possible, it, whatever it was, may have happened at least once. At least the more plausible ones."
"Plausible?" Tsukasa. "Like the one about someone putting a cat or small dog in a microwave after bathing it to dry it out? I actually read about that once in the paper."
"Come to think of it," Kagami was a little surprised her sister would come up with that one. "I remember you were bummed out for days over that one."
"Yeah ... I couldn't believe someone could be so cruel."
"I don't think the person was being cruel as much as he was being capital S stupid ... cold comfort that would be to the animal."
"My ... uh ... favorite," volunteered Miyuki, "is the one about someone hiding in the back of a car ready to attack the owner. At the last moment, the driver is alerted to the assailants' presence by a passerby or a gas station attendant. I actually saw that twice ... once in the paper, the other on the news."
"Mine," Kagami declared, "is the one about the idiot boiling gasoline on his stove. He figured hot gasoline would help his car start quicker. Fire department had a mess to clean. Come to think of it, I saw that on TV news too!"
"So there's actual documentation of some kind," Miyuki stated. "At least on the plausible ones ..."
"I remember a talk show where the host was daring listeners to back up their stories with some kind of proof." Kagami said. "Real smug about it too. He knew full well no one out there collected news clippings or anything ... And I recall SEEING stuff like that with names, dates ... everything ... Really frustrating."
"My second all time favorite is the one about the RATO bottle mounted on an old car ..."
The three looked at Konata in puzzlement.
Kagami asked, "what's a RATO bottle?"
"Rocket Assisted Take Off," she explained. "They're mounted on heavy loaded cargo planes to boost off short runways. Our Defense Force uses them."
"And somebody put one on a car?"
"They figured he had to be going over 350 miles an hour! He was running out of road when he hit the brakes. Tires blew & he flipped airbourne. Found what was left of him & the car in the side of a mountain about a hundred feet up. Fingerprints embedded in the steering wheel ..."
"Eww!" Tsukasa mewled.
"And where was this supposed to take place?" A sceptical Kagami asked.
"Somewhere in America ... Arizona I think ... One of those 'cowboy' places anyway."
"Was this in the papers or anything?" Tsukasa aked.
"Uh ... got it off the net."
"Yeahhhhhh, sure." Kagami rolled her eyes.
"So who's smug now?"
Ignoring the jibe, Kagami asked, "you said that was your second all time favorite. What's your first?"
"Kinda gross ... I verified it just last night ... ."
"Yeah ... A friend of Dads' came for a visit yesterday. He's an insurance adjuster."
"Oh?" Kagamis' ears perked up.
"It was a story I heard of more than once in the past & I just 'filed' it away in my head.
"We were sitting down at dinner & it hit me ... If anyone would know if there's anything to a story like that, it would be an insurance adjuster. Though ... I don't know if there's any kind of insurance to cover that sort of thing ... ."
"And that sort of thing would be ... ."
Konata scanned the other three. Kagami, of course, but the other two were leaning forward as well.
"Wellll .... You know about the one where a guy & a babe are in a parked car ... 'n they're really goin' at it hot 'n heavy? ..."
"Uh ... no."
"And ... the girl is uh ... pleasuring the guy ... in a particularly ... um ... oral manner ... "
"... ew ..." Tsukasa mewled again starting to blush.
"And a car pulls in behind & bumps 'em."
"I think ... I know ... where this is going." Kagami said ominously.
"... ew ..."
"Wait for it Tsukasa."
"And in fright & panic, the girl clamps down ... HARD! ... And the poor guy 'loses' it. And I'm not talkin' about just his mind ... ."
"Loses it?" Miyuki asked. "Loses it as in ... "
Both Tsukasa & Miyuki looked questioningly at one another until it dawned on them."
"Ewwwww!" Both blushing beet red.
"I ask him & he says it's amazing the things you find out when talking to interns, nurses & other emergency room staff. In the 20 years he served as an insurance investigator/adjuster, he handled four cases like this ... Three mutilations ... & ... in his words ... 'a complete sever'."
Konata surveyed the desk scene before her. Tsukasa & Miyuki giving her "hurt" looks while Kagami grimaced, looking down at her unfinished lunch.
"He says from his findings & 'talking shop' with other investigators, it never happens in a car that's parked. The car's moving, the guy loses control & they end up in a field or ditch or run into something ..."
With a "cat smile" on her face, Konata fixed her gaze on Kagami & pointed to the food.
"You gonna' eat that?"
"No! ... I'm NOT gonna' eat it! ... AND ... NEITHER ... ARE YOU!" The exasperated Kagamis' left hand poised to stab with her chopsticks.
"I swear," the tsundere thought. "If I don't get my appetite back before the end of lunch period ... I'm gonna' kick her diminutive, little butt!"
Konata glanced at the other two as they pulled their bentos closer.
"Oh well," she remarked as she started back in on hers.
"I'm surprised you're actually eating some REAL food," Kagami noted Konatas' curry & veg.
"Well, I've been doing that more often as I now & then help with Yutaka getting hers together. Nice change of pace ... "
"If what you mean by pace," said Miyuki, "is choco cornets. It's a mystery you can actually subsist on those things."
"Speaking of mysteries ..."
"Here we go again," Kagami rolled her eyes. "This better not be another urban legend."
"... ew ..."
"It is, but not a gory one."
"Either way, we're gonnna hear it, no matter what."
"It's about ... 'Legendary Girl'."
"I keep hearing about her on the net & at anime/manga conventions. Even in stores too."
"I don't know which is worse," speculated Kagami to herself. "Gross urban legends or her pop culture obsession."
"It's said she's some kind of ultra super fan. The otakus' otaku. Knows any & everything about anime/manga ... Not only lives & breaths it but is almost one herself."
"Unlike some people we know."
"Aw ... come on Tsukasa. I'm nowhere near like that."
"Sigh," Kagami facepalmed as Miyiki giggled.
"Anyway, she's such a myth that vendors say it's good luck if she buys something from them. As if she's an omen for the rest of the sales day. Crowds of people have been known to follow her around at conventions & follow suit if she makes a purchase! She REALLY knows what's hot 'n what's not.
"It's said she was at the last two Comikets ... you remember ..."
"How can I forget? I can't believe I let you con us into canvassing the second to the last one for you."
"Hey, you came away with a few bags of goodies yourself."
"Nowhere near as much as you. Everything in moderation, you know."
"Yeah .,. right!" Kagami said inwardly. "I wonder if she knows the meaning of that word."
"So I'd really like to meet her. Seems I come near to running into her but I always seem to just miss. I ask around & people just get vague or clam up. It's like no one wants me to meet her or something. I tell ya' ... It's like a conspiracy or something!"
"First urban legends, now conspiracies. Make up yer mind."
"She's gotta' be a real treasure trove of infomation!"
"Oh geez!" The tsundere thought. "There's things about anime/manga Konata doesn't know? The mind boggles ..."
Konata paused & scanned the desk. "So ... Anyone doing anything after school today?"
"And she sure likes to jump from one thing to another."
"Well," answered Tsukasa, "we have to get home as Dad has some temple related things to go over with us."
"Oh! That's right! Thanks for the reminder." Kagami continued. "I was gonna get home direct anyway. It may be the weekend but SOMEONE has to get their homework done in time for someone ELSE to copy later!"
"Your feigned sarcasm is such a wonderful expression of love & affection!"
"I have some errands to run for Mom," Miyuki explained.
"I take it you wanted us along for something ..."
"Nothing special. I was gonna hang with Hiyori & Patty at Gamers for awhile. Thought you'd want to come along ..."
"Hey! There she is!"
"Yeah!" Patty exclaimed. "It's Legendary Girl!"
"Shhh! Don't say THAT!" Hiyori cautioned. "She might HEAR you!"
"Don't you think we oughta' tell her? I mean ... I still can't believe after all this time she doesn't realize it."
"Tell her? No way!"
"Isn't that kinda' mean & cruel?"
"Not really. ... She wouldn't believe us anyway. Think we were kidding her or something. I don't think she'll ever know she's famous let alone how much."
"Yeah ... but-"
"Besides ... Think about it. It's sorta' kinda' like having our very own unknowing goddess Suzumiya!"
"Hmm ... Never thought of it that way."
"Yo! 'Sup!" Konata greeted.
"Nothing ... Nothing at all," Patty replied. "Just waiting for you."
"Talking about me?"
"Yeah ... Like you're such news," jeered Hiyori. "No. Just killing time."
The three quickly started off to their favorite close-by media store.
"I was talking to Kagami, Tsukasa & Miyuki at lunch & I got hit with a great idea for a doujin."
"I'm all ears. Let me get my notebook out."
"Oh I think you'll remember this."
"Come on Konata!" Patty exhorted. "You know she has trouble remembering sometimes."
"No, I mean it. The concept is simple enough."
"OK," said the artist. "Shoot!"
"You could do a whole series on them. There's LOTS of material out there."
"Oh yeah!" Patty exclaimed. "Gee Hiyori, you'd never run out anything to draw about."
"And I know just the one you could start off with!"
"Alright ... Let me have it ..."
The dual "Ewww!" from Hiyori & Patty covered an expansive radius.
Stepping out the schoolyard gate, going in the opposite direction, Minorou Shiraishi glanced down the block.
"What the heck was THAT about!?"
Storyline (only) copyright © 6-27-13 C V Ford
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